This has happened, in part, because of the rise of the Internet. It’s also happened, in part, because neighbors just aren’t nearly as interesting as they are on TV. If neighbors were more like TV neighbors, you’d think long and hard before signing on that dotted home loan line.

Here are a handful of the most annoying TV neighbors we can think of:

• Newman (from Seinfeld). Arch-nemesis to Jerry Seinfeld, Newman typifies everything wrong with neighbors. He was a government employee. He was a discount hound. He raided refrigerators. He stole appliances. In a word he was repulsive. If you had a neighbor like this, you’d never want to come home, no matter how nice a place it is.
• Gladys Kravitz (from Bewitched). OK, so your wife is a witch. We get that. It still doesn’t give your neighbors the right to constantly set up ambushes or be looking in your bedroom windows. That’s the last thing you want from a neighbor. If you had a neighbor like this, you’d have to invest in a fence just to keep the nosey old bird from watching you in your bath robe.
• Babette Dell (from Gilmore Girls). One of the more recent names on this list, Babette needed to learn to shut the hell up from time to time. She was melodramatic, talked way too much about her own sex life and was constantly imposing on others. And don’t even get us started about her fashion advice and rampant gossiping.
• Wilson Wilson, Jr. (from Home Improvement). Good advice notwithstanding, after a decade you’d be busting through the fence just to get a glimpse of the dude’s face.
• Larry Dallas (from Three’s Company). Gotta love Larry. Always ruining romantic moments, stealing girlfriends, borrowing money and thinking he was way cooler than he was.

Photo via don.wing45

The Tiny House

A tiny house is most often associated with a house on a towable trailer. Now, we’re not talking about a mobile home. We’re talking about a tiny mobile home. These houses range from sixty square feet to just under two hundred square feet. Some of the small palaces of love will fit on a single axel trailer. If you find a place more permanent that you want to live, these itty-bitty castles can even be attached to a permanent foundation. Just offer your homeowners insurance agent a beer when you’re trying to get it all insured.

The shipping container

The shipping container has become a more commonplace type of home. You may have even seen a few of these homes on the Internet. While these are often not cheap homes, they do offer up quite a bit of customizability. You can start out with one container, and then expand sideways or towards the sky. You could even tell your friends that your container came from some cool place like The Sopranos TV

A cave

Queue the Batman Music! Yes, there really are people who build their homes in a cave. You don’t even have to worry about that crappy shower-tiling job with this type of house. A house in a cave might be easier to justify on your homeowners insurance as well. Sure, you might have some issues with creepy crawlers or the occasional water leak, but this is all but a small price to claim you live in The Bat Cave!

Houseboats

Houseboats are common along bigger bodies of water. They are super handy in allowing you to get away from those noisy neighbors. Did you know that some people even bring those boats ashore and live in them? Oh they do. This might be a bit blasphemous to true boaters, but what better way to give a houseboat a proper burial? This does not only apply to houseboats though. Shipping boats are also suspect to this treatment. Nothing says unique like a boat used as a home in suburbia.

UFO Houses

Now let us not get overly excited here. These are not houses made of the leftover ships from ET’s last visit. These houses just kind of look like it. There are several of these UFO houses scattered across the states. Most look like the 1950’s UFO’s. When you go to get your homeowner’s insurance, just tell them you really, really like Close Encounters of the Third Kind. They might call you a dork, but you’re not living in a cookie cutter home!

Sure, some of these homes have been shown on television and run rampant on the Internet. That does not make them any less unique. The Tiny House or shipping container might cause your homeowner’s insurance agent to go into cardiac arrest, but in a world of ticky-tacky homes, why not stray and add a bit of chaos to your subdivision.

Photo via eyeintim

Still, you need to be careful. Over time, people have stored some really strange stuff in their attics. If you’ve just bought a house, make sure you’re not alone the first time you poke around, or you might be surprised.

Here are some of the strangest things we’ve heard of that have been stored in attics:

• Aliens. The 2009 kids’ movie, Aliens in the Attic,  features bumbling aliens that would take over the world, if they could stop being so darned cute and goofy all at the same time. Box office receipts for this one were pretty bad, so don’t waste the equity in your home loan building a home for them in your house.
• Confederates. If you believe Tony Horowitz, anyone who flies a Confederate flag or participates in Civil War reenactments is a white supremacist redneck. Confederates in the Attic follows a number of re-enactors and their weekend shenanigans. Horowitz claims that many of them urinate in their uniforms, just to make them authentic. Trust us, you don’t want to be keeping these guys in the attic.
• Flowers. The V.C. Andrews novel Flowers in the Attic, as well as the movie by the same name, features incest, familial rage and all sorts of other abuse. It handles the subject matter is a way that varies from disturbing to boring, and avoids tasteful all along the way.
• Toys. Actually, this one would be all right. Toys in the Attic features  Steven Tyler and Joe Perry’s most-sampled song, “Walk this Way” as well as the classic “Sweet Emotion.”

Photo via mfury

Still, there’s something to be said for the country home. Take, for example, the country home in Jane Austen’s books. The country home is the ultimate place to self-identify. It differs from the castle, which is the symbol of oppressive landed aristocracy.

In Austen’s books, big houses often came with several thousand acres to administer. The country estate had cottages for those workers who would farm the land. The owner of the home had a steward, much like today’s movie stars might have an agent. The steward takes care of the land, deals with the tenants, and makes sure that the home owner can truly relax and spend his or her time socializing and doing other things as they wish.

The English country home was likely to see new gardens every couple of years, to keep up with the latest fashions. Where today a rich and famous person might put dozens of huge plasma TVs in their houses, owners of an English country home would put up trees and all sorts of hedges and walls.

The cottages of Jane Austen are more reminiscent of today’s wealthy apartment holders. They seem cramped – which is true when you’ve got a few dozen hangers-on hanging out at your place all day long. And, while today’s luxury apartment might have plenty of modern conveniences, there’s something to be said for the sheer design options that come from a real house as opposed to an apartment with a finite space. In addition, apartment dwellers have little or no say in the surroundings of their apartment, no matter how rich they may be.

While things have obviously changed a lot in a century and a half, the idea of the country home still appeals to some. That explains, in part, why so many upper-middle class folks choose to take out a home loan and build out in the country, further extending the borders of any given city.

Photo via The Couple Next Door

Your mother was wrong when she told you there’s no place like home. Look down the block. Or one neighborhood over. Odds are you’ll see a home pretty damn similar to yours.

Only a select number of people can claim to have truly original, truly unique, truly badass homes… and they’re all fictional. But that doesn’t mean we want them any less. The house hunt stops here.

7. Tony Stark’s House (Iron Man)

Talk about the definitive bachelor pad. Located in Point Dume, California, and perched atop a luxurious cliff, Tony Stark’s humble abode offers everything a growing boy needs—a built-in underground workshop and garage (complete with helpful robotic assistants), a sprawling collection of classic cars, and more electronics then your typical Best Buy location. Oh, and not to mention the Iron Man suit in the basement. That little beauty comes equipped with a self-contained environment, various onboard weapon systems, multiple communications displays, and the ability to fucking fly.

The only difference between this house and yours is everything

Toys not your thing? Then check out the cantilevered living room’s 270-degree view of the Pacific Ocean, which is sure to impress any lady friend who just happens to be visiting. All in all, Tony Stark’s house in the hills is enough to make any happily married man envy the life of the young, single, and ridiculously wealthy.

6. Burns Manor (The Simpsons)

Situated on the corner of Croesus and Mammon streets in the Springfield Heights district of Springfield, Burns Manor is a perversely lavish mansion that comes packed full of amenities. In one room you’ll find one thousand monkeys working on one thousand typewriters, in another you’ll find a human chessboard. The largest television in the free world is included in the living room. Have you ever watched baseball on a 300+ inch screen? It’s not any less boring, but you can get a great view of the delicious ballpark hot dogs.

Are you worried about security? Don’t be. Burns Manor is protected by a high wall, an electric fence, and a large pack of vicious attack dogs simply known as “The Hounds.” But if somehow somebody manages to get past all that, the mansion’s bottomless pit is operated with just the touch of a button. And that’s why Burn’s Manor is perfect for the cranky old man in all of us.

Just tapping it once could mean no more Jehovah’s Witnesses

5. Bag End (The Hobbit & The Lord of the Rings)

Maybe you’re more into modest homes, and we totally get that. There’s definitely something to be said about the coziness of sharing a small residence with loved ones, and that’s why Bag End, located in Hobbiton at the end of Bagshot Row, has made our list.

Bag End is a Hobbit-hole, which are small underground homes built into the hills. Don’t get the wrong impression—this is not a nasty, dirty, wet hole like you might associate with things underground. Hobbit-holes are synonymous with comfort. Bag End features a lovely green door with a brass knob, a large number of small rooms with round windows, and a peaceful garden. And although hobbits are known for their petite stature, there’s no need to worry about ceiling height. Bilbo Baggins, the home’s previous owner, was said to be often visited by larger guests, indicating that the ceilings are taller than one would expect. Personally, we’re sold. Invite over the elves, give the dwarves a call, and light up some pipe-weed. This feels like home.

Go easy on that stuff, Cheech

4. X-Mansion (X-Men)

1407 Graymalkin Lane, North Salem, in the northeast corner of Westchester County, has a whole lot going on. The X-Mansion, owned by Professor Xavier of the X-Men, is also the location of the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning (originally The Xavier School For Gifted Youngsters), the X-Corporation, and the training site of the X-Men themselves. If you can handle some riotous houseguests and the occasional defenses breach from supervillains, then X-Mansion might just prove to be some fantastic stomping ground.

Built in the late 1700s, the home features a large, tiled courtyard, an elevator that leads to the Restricted Access Sub-Levels and the Administration Wing, a basketball court, and a baseball diamond. There’s also a place to land and park your plane (you do have one, right?), a maze to practice and show off your superhuman abilities, and more forests and farmland than you can shake a stick at. Don’t forget the Cerebra Chamber, a large round room that can detect and amplify your mutant abilities. It’s really fun to bring your dog in there.

Someone spent too much time in the Cerebra Chamber!

3. The House of Usher (Edgar Allen Poe’s The Fall of the House of Usher)

Have you ever been asleep when something unexpectedly comes crashing down in your house? Okay. Multiply the scariness of that times a million and add a pair of ghastly (perhaps incestuous) siblings, and you’ve got yourself the House of Usher. It cracks, it rips, it screams, and it shakes. Simply put, the House of Usher is scary as hell. Which makes it all the more appealing. If you’ve got the balls.

When the narrator of Edgar Allen Poe’s The Fall of the House of Usher first visits the home, he notes how impressed he is with the owner’s paintings and the vegetation surrounding the house. Later, though, the charm of the place wears off. The owner explains that the house is completely self aware, acting on its own accord. And then we learn that the owner has entombed his sister alive. And when she breaks out to seek revenge (holy shit), he has a heart attack and croaks. Needless to say, the home has a lot of character.

Unfortunately, though, the chance to stay in this freaky paradise is lost. As the narrator flees from the home, it breaks into two and sinks into the ground. We would have stayed there, too. No really. We’re not scared.

Living with this Usher would be just as bad, but for different reasons altogether

2. Wayne Manor (Batman)

It’s really a shame that the Batcave gets all the attention when it comes to famous Dark Knight locations. Sure, the Batcave is nice—it’s a 27,000-square-foot underground cave system filled with goodies and gadgets. But what about the home that rests on top of the Batcave? What about the place where Batman hangs up his cape every night before bed? Well that’s called Wayne Manor, and it’s splendid.

This 7-bed, 11-bath gated compound sits on 39 acres of beautiful Gotham City land and has belonged to the Wayne family for several generations. It comes with a tireless, humorous, sarcastic, and cynical butler, a fantastic friend and confidant for when supervillians attack (or your mother-in-law visits). The house also features concealed parking for flying vehicles, and a place for your teenage sidekick to sleep.

Note: He does like to cuddle when he’s had a dream.

What makes us want to live at Wayne Manor the most? You’re in Gotham City! Can you ask for a town with any more action and excitement than that? Don’t you dare say Metropolis.

1. Barbie’s Dream House

Hold on a minute, just relax. Let us explain. There’s one thing that Barbie’s Dream House has that none of the other homes listed can even dream of having. When you look past the pink walls, the flimsy construction, and the 1970’s swinger style of the decorating, you’ll uncover something that would make living in the Dream House completely badass. It can have anything in the world inside.

The Dream House runs on imagination, people. You want a flat screen television? Done. You want a hot tub? It’s all yours. You want a built-in elevator? Sure. Well, actually, it already comes with a built-in elevator, so you’ll be getting that anyway. But you see where we’re going with this.

Plus, let’s face it, your housemates are pretty hot. And their heads come off pretty easy, so their excessive talking doesn’t have to be dealt with.

No one has to know a thing

It took us a long time to finally come out and admit it, but maybe American Consumerism is getting out of hand. Do you know how much money is spent per year on things we don’t really need? Lots. It’s such a waste. Such a terrible, horrible waste.

Oh, hold on. Consumerism refers to things like flat screen televisions? And Playstations? Wait, what about the intercom system we set up in the house so that we could tell the pizza boy at the front door to just bring the food up to the media room? That, too? Damn.

We were talking more about pointless shit. Do you know how much of that there is? Allow us to enlighten you.

8. Botanicalls (The Tweeting Plant)

Have you ever purchased a fichus, forgot to water it for a while, and then as you dumped its shriveled remains into the dumpster, thought, “Man. I wish my fichus could have called me to let me know it was dying of dehydration.” No? You haven’t? Well you sure could have fooled the folks over at Botanicalls. A Botanicall is a device that enables your houseplants to alert you when they feel like they’re being under watered, underfed, or under exposed to sunlight. And sometimes they’ll just call to talk, because girl, you will never believe what the germaniums did today.

“Yeah, hi, could you put me through to Linda? Actually, uh, you know what, is there a direct line to her office or something? Yeah, no, it’s just the bitch forgets to water me every morning.”

The way it works is this: each plant on the Botanicall system is equipped with sensors that can determine when the plant isn’t receiving what it needs to be receiving. When that point comes, this information is transferred to an open-source telephone system, which generates a call containing a pre-recorded plea for some goddamn sustenance. You get the call while you’re at work, rush home, water the plant, and save the day. Or you could just remember to water your plants.

There’s more, though. If you want, you can set your plant up with a Twitter page, allowing it to Tweet its needs throughout the day to a much wider audience. The most depressing part? Your dog still pees on the carpet.

On the bright side, though, it’s just $99.95. That’s only like 99 meals for starving kids in third world countries.

7. The Octodog

…is it poop?

Did you know that the hotdog is among the top ten items found in many lists concerning choking occurrences in young children? Did you know they even compiled lists of things kids choked on? Neither did we.

Octodogs, the frankfurter converters, have the ability to turn all of your cylindrical hotdogs into squid shaped hotdogs. So if thought your child was having trouble swallowing mechanically recovered meat before, just wait until it’s in the shape of one of God’s most terrifying creatures!

The process is pretty simple: take your cooked hot dog (which is normally put on a delicious bun, but whatever), stuff it into the part of the octopus where he would normally secrete waste, slide the holder down, and then release. Congratulations, you’ve created one of the least-appetizing looking meals in the history of the world. Well, right next to something they’re currently serving at Arby’s.

If the Octo-mom could only afford one hotdog, she’d still be set

6. The Flowbee

Let’s face it. Getting a hair cut is a total pain in the ass. You’ve got to drive to the barber, wait twenty minutes while the barber smokes a cigarette out back, make awkward conversation during the cut, pay twenty bucks, and then go home just to realize they didn’t take enough off in the back. It’s irritating. Well, Flowbee has a solution. Cut your own hair. With a vacuum.

That’s right. As if using a bathroom mirror and a pair of scissors at home wasn’t bad enough, the guys over at Flowbee have decided it worthwhile to get 800 watts of suction involved. Using the suction power of your personal vacuum cleaner, the Flowbee “draws hair into [its] recessed blades and then cuts it precisely.” Until, of course, the Flowbee accidentally falls on the cat.

Is it just us or is half of her skull getting pulled in?

Flowbee also claims to be convenient because it can store up to ten haircuts’ worth of hair in its system. Because that’s the big problem with haircuts—figuring out what to do with your excess hair. So maybe skip your next five haircuts and save up for this bad boy—only $99.95. But how much is your dignity worth?

5. The Comfort Wipe

We’ll fully admit that something has got be done about the way we go to the bathroom. When it comes to going number 2, what’s changed in the last one thousand years? Not a whole lot. Sure, indoor plumbing was a big step, but what about when it comes to personal hygiene? We’re still just, you know, wiping our asses. With some paper.

That’s where the Comfort Wipe folks come in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM, the famous youtube of comfort wipe infomercial

You saw it—Comfort Wipe takes out the middle man, which just happens to be your hand. Attach your toilet paper to the top of the wand, very awkwardly wipe your ass, release the paper, and repeat. Using the same wand. Over and over. Oh, and don’t forget to leave it out for guests. Disgusting. If the Comfort Wipe people really wanted to impress us, they’d invent something that is one hundred percent hands free. Also, it’d read us the sports section of the paper.

4. Aromatrim

We all overeat sometimes. Whether it’s at Thanksgiving dinner or the Chinese buffet down the street, everyone’s guilty. Perhaps the only problem bigger than America’s Consumerism is America’s obesity, and it’s taking a toll on our relationships, our health, and our lives. Thank God for Aromatrim.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m-PJk9Tu8g&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffingtonpost.com%2F2009%2F07%2F13%2Fthe-9-stupidest-products_n_230821.html%3Fslidenumber%3D8&feature=player_embedded

The people at Aromatrim have made a breakthrough discovery proving that when people get a nostril full of something that smells like utter shit, they don’t want to eat anymore. Aromatrim is a pocket-sized senses bomb: one sniff of this and you’ll lose your appetite completely, no matter what food you’re tempted with.

Too bad the product doesn’t make sense. People who don’t have the will power to put the cheese fries down certainly aren’t going to have the will power to pull out their Aromatrim whenever the opportunity for gluttony arises. But perhaps a concerned loved one can follow the fatass around all day, producing the Aromatrim at key intervals. Until, of course, they’re murdered (and eaten?) in their sleep.

It smells like despair!

3. The Rejuvenique

Man, there is nothing scarier than a dried up and wrinkly old lady. Have you ever run into one in the dark? Even if it’s your grandma, there’s something about those old, sagging wrinkles that makes them the scariest things you’ll ever—

HO-LY SHIT.

We were wrong. There is something scarier than a wrinkly old lady. And it’s actually a device to help combat wrinkles—the Rejuvenique.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXcYVh-W14E Rejuvenique video

If you made it through that video, congratulations. You’re manlier than we are. But we got the jist of it: the mask, when worn, sends dozens of tiny impulses throughout your face to help tighten, tone, and “exercise” the facial muscles. Goodbye saggy grandma, hello Jason from Halloween.

Here’s a radical idea: if you’re that uncomfortable in your own skin, why not just wear the mask around permanently? It looks pretty wrinkle free. Hell, people probably wouldn’t bother you anymore, either.
Jesus, can you imagine walking in on your wife when she’s trying this sucker out? Two words: Divorce court.

After all of that he was just some guy worried about wrinkles?

2. The Dogone

If the picture above confuses you, let us try and help you out. That is the hind quarters of a golden retriever. Its tail is being yanked through a charcoal cloth and elastic straps are tightened around the waste. In short, that’s a dog. Wearing a thong. And also probably contemplating suicide.

The caring people at Flat-D work hard to prevent offensive odors from invading your home, and their newest product takes the battle to the pooper. The Dogone is a gas neutralizing pad that you strap around the ass of your dog. When installed properly, the dog thong fights to deodorize gassy discharge from your pup, as well as attract a few extra lustful glances from the canine next door.

Dressing up your dog is one thing. We’ve seen the Christmas sweaters and the Halloween outfits, and as horrible as those are, at least they don’t carry a sexual connotation. Besides, part of having a dog is learning to live with the smell.

Okay, she’s looking pretty good

1. The Kush Support

We’re all for protecting the size, shape, and density of breasts. We understand the importance of the sports bra and we’re big supporters of… well, proper support. And maybe we simply don’t get it because we lack the proper parts, but the Kush Support just looks way too ridiculous.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyBEC-Zq_uE&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.kushsupport.com%2F&feature=player_embedded#t=54

The Kush Support is a plastic boob divider that is supposed to make women who sleep on their sides more comfortable. It does this by providing a space between the two breasts (it only works for C cup or larger) and maintaining a more “natural” shape while slumbering.

It is most often recommended for use by women who have had breast implants, because nothing says natural more than that. It is interesting, though, that the people over at Kush Support think that sliding something between two breasts is completely natural and relaxing. In fact, does anyone have the number of the woman who invented this?