It took us a long time to finally come out and admit it, but maybe American Consumerism is getting out of hand. Do you know how much money is spent per year on things we don’t really need? Lots. It’s such a waste. Such a terrible, horrible waste.
Oh, hold on. Consumerism refers to things like flat screen televisions? And Playstations? Wait, what about the intercom system we set up in the house so that we could tell the pizza boy at the front door to just bring the food up to the media room? That, too? Damn.
We were talking more about pointless shit. Do you know how much of that there is? Allow us to enlighten you.
8. Botanicalls (The Tweeting Plant)
Have you ever purchased a fichus, forgot to water it for a while, and then as you dumped its shriveled remains into the dumpster, thought, “Man. I wish my fichus could have called me to let me know it was dying of dehydration.” No? You haven’t? Well you sure could have fooled the folks over at Botanicalls. A Botanicall is a device that enables your houseplants to alert you when they feel like they’re being under watered, underfed, or under exposed to sunlight. And sometimes they’ll just call to talk, because girl, you will never believe what the germaniums did today.
“Yeah, hi, could you put me through to Linda? Actually, uh, you know what, is there a direct line to her office or something? Yeah, no, it’s just the bitch forgets to water me every morning.”
The way it works is this: each plant on the Botanicall system is equipped with sensors that can determine when the plant isn’t receiving what it needs to be receiving. When that point comes, this information is transferred to an open-source telephone system, which generates a call containing a pre-recorded plea for some goddamn sustenance. You get the call while you’re at work, rush home, water the plant, and save the day. Or you could just remember to water your plants.
There’s more, though. If you want, you can set your plant up with a Twitter page, allowing it to Tweet its needs throughout the day to a much wider audience. The most depressing part? Your dog still pees on the carpet.
On the bright side, though, it’s just $99.95. That’s only like 99 meals for starving kids in third world countries.
7. The Octodog
…is it poop?
Did you know that the hotdog is among the top ten items found in many lists concerning choking occurrences in young children? Did you know they even compiled lists of things kids choked on? Neither did we.
Octodogs, the frankfurter converters, have the ability to turn all of your cylindrical hotdogs into squid shaped hotdogs. So if thought your child was having trouble swallowing mechanically recovered meat before, just wait until it’s in the shape of one of God’s most terrifying creatures!
The process is pretty simple: take your cooked hot dog (which is normally put on a delicious bun, but whatever), stuff it into the part of the octopus where he would normally secrete waste, slide the holder down, and then release. Congratulations, you’ve created one of the least-appetizing looking meals in the history of the world. Well, right next to something they’re currently serving at Arby’s.
If the Octo-mom could only afford one hotdog, she’d still be set
6. The Flowbee
Let’s face it. Getting a hair cut is a total pain in the ass. You’ve got to drive to the barber, wait twenty minutes while the barber smokes a cigarette out back, make awkward conversation during the cut, pay twenty bucks, and then go home just to realize they didn’t take enough off in the back. It’s irritating. Well, Flowbee has a solution. Cut your own hair. With a vacuum.
That’s right. As if using a bathroom mirror and a pair of scissors at home wasn’t bad enough, the guys over at Flowbee have decided it worthwhile to get 800 watts of suction involved. Using the suction power of your personal vacuum cleaner, the Flowbee “draws hair into [its] recessed blades and then cuts it precisely.” Until, of course, the Flowbee accidentally falls on the cat.
Is it just us or is half of her skull getting pulled in?
Flowbee also claims to be convenient because it can store up to ten haircuts’ worth of hair in its system. Because that’s the big problem with haircuts—figuring out what to do with your excess hair. So maybe skip your next five haircuts and save up for this bad boy—only $99.95. But how much is your dignity worth?
5. The Comfort Wipe
We’ll fully admit that something has got be done about the way we go to the bathroom. When it comes to going number 2, what’s changed in the last one thousand years? Not a whole lot. Sure, indoor plumbing was a big step, but what about when it comes to personal hygiene? We’re still just, you know, wiping our asses. With some paper.
That’s where the Comfort Wipe folks come in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM, the famous youtube of comfort wipe infomercial
You saw it—Comfort Wipe takes out the middle man, which just happens to be your hand. Attach your toilet paper to the top of the wand, very awkwardly wipe your ass, release the paper, and repeat. Using the same wand. Over and over. Oh, and don’t forget to leave it out for guests. Disgusting. If the Comfort Wipe people really wanted to impress us, they’d invent something that is one hundred percent hands free. Also, it’d read us the sports section of the paper.
We all overeat sometimes. Whether it’s at Thanksgiving dinner or the Chinese buffet down the street, everyone’s guilty. Perhaps the only problem bigger than America’s Consumerism is America’s obesity, and it’s taking a toll on our relationships, our health, and our lives. Thank God for Aromatrim.
The people at Aromatrim have made a breakthrough discovery proving that when people get a nostril full of something that smells like utter shit, they don’t want to eat anymore. Aromatrim is a pocket-sized senses bomb: one sniff of this and you’ll lose your appetite completely, no matter what food you’re tempted with.
Too bad the product doesn’t make sense. People who don’t have the will power to put the cheese fries down certainly aren’t going to have the will power to pull out their Aromatrim whenever the opportunity for gluttony arises. But perhaps a concerned loved one can follow the fatass around all day, producing the Aromatrim at key intervals. Until, of course, they’re murdered (and eaten?) in their sleep.
It smells like despair!
3. The Rejuvenique
Man, there is nothing scarier than a dried up and wrinkly old lady. Have you ever run into one in the dark? Even if it’s your grandma, there’s something about those old, sagging wrinkles that makes them the scariest things you’ll ever—
We were wrong. There is something scarier than a wrinkly old lady. And it’s actually a device to help combat wrinkles—the Rejuvenique.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXcYVh-W14E Rejuvenique video
If you made it through that video, congratulations. You’re manlier than we are. But we got the jist of it: the mask, when worn, sends dozens of tiny impulses throughout your face to help tighten, tone, and “exercise” the facial muscles. Goodbye saggy grandma, hello Jason from Halloween.
Here’s a radical idea: if you’re that uncomfortable in your own skin, why not just wear the mask around permanently? It looks pretty wrinkle free. Hell, people probably wouldn’t bother you anymore, either.
Jesus, can you imagine walking in on your wife when she’s trying this sucker out? Two words: Divorce court.
After all of that he was just some guy worried about wrinkles?
2. The Dogone
If the picture above confuses you, let us try and help you out. That is the hind quarters of a golden retriever. Its tail is being yanked through a charcoal cloth and elastic straps are tightened around the waste. In short, that’s a dog. Wearing a thong. And also probably contemplating suicide.
The caring people at Flat-D work hard to prevent offensive odors from invading your home, and their newest product takes the battle to the pooper. The Dogone is a gas neutralizing pad that you strap around the ass of your dog. When installed properly, the dog thong fights to deodorize gassy discharge from your pup, as well as attract a few extra lustful glances from the canine next door.
Dressing up your dog is one thing. We’ve seen the Christmas sweaters and the Halloween outfits, and as horrible as those are, at least they don’t carry a sexual connotation. Besides, part of having a dog is learning to live with the smell.
Okay, she’s looking pretty good
1. The Kush Support
We’re all for protecting the size, shape, and density of breasts. We understand the importance of the sports bra and we’re big supporters of… well, proper support. And maybe we simply don’t get it because we lack the proper parts, but the Kush Support just looks way too ridiculous.
The Kush Support is a plastic boob divider that is supposed to make women who sleep on their sides more comfortable. It does this by providing a space between the two breasts (it only works for C cup or larger) and maintaining a more “natural” shape while slumbering.
It is most often recommended for use by women who have had breast implants, because nothing says natural more than that. It is interesting, though, that the people over at Kush Support think that sliding something between two breasts is completely natural and relaxing. In fact, does anyone have the number of the woman who invented this?